Feeling ever so down again. Everything was going on so smoothly and yet you put a stop to it. You let me catch a glimpse of hope and now you keep the glimpse of hope away from me. I thought we could become more of a friend after that day but now, I came to realise that it's just a sweet dream. Everyone knows that dreams are opposite of reality and I know that in my dreams, I catch the hope which I wished for but in the ugly truth or the so-called reality, I will never get to hold you tight in my arms.

I dreamt of you last night again. A sweet dream. I remembered vividly, when I could hook on to you so tightly and smiling ever so sweetly without you pushing me away. I bet I was smiling while dreaming. But coming back to this world, I lost you. No more hooking to you. Even if this really happens, your next natural reaction will be pushing me away.

In this course of waiting, I think it had been 327 days. This 327days, I experience both bitter sweet. From a not really strong feeling towards you till now, every moment I had been thinking of you. Till now, every single things you do can bring me extreme happiness or extreme depression. I cried for you, I smiled for you. No one will ever know, how strong this feeling for you had been so long.

Am I thinking too much? I don't know. I wanted so much to believe that our feelings for each other are mutual but yet, I can't bring myself to think that way because if I give myself too high hopes, I will break down the way I did that day when you put up that post. I wanted so much to treat you seriously but yet, you doesn't want me to. I don't know if that post is for me, but I've got a strong feeling that it's for me. Don't treat you seriously, it's like sentencing me to a sentence which I wanted to appeal for opposition but nothing I do could help much.

I wanted so much to tell him how I feel but yet, I coward in the last minute. I decided to keep this a secret because I know nothing good will come out of it. Since when can I have my dreams to come true? Since when? Well, I don't know.

God, is this 327 days a sweet dream or a beautiful nightmare? Is this all a mistake. I should not have fall for him in the beginning. God, tell me. I need to know. I know that You will tell me when the time is right. I will continue to wait. But Father, like I had said just now. If he shows up tmrw, I will continue to wait but if he doesn't, I will stop all hopes when the one year mark had been crossed.

But Father, come to think of it, if he doesn't turn up tmr, do I really want to give up? I don't know. I really don't know.
 

I miss him...
Even though I just saw him yesterday but yet, the urge to see him everyday is always there in my heart. I don't know why but everytime after seeing him, the next moment, I will miss him a lot. What does this means?
I really do wonder. What if I told him I like him? Will he accept me? haha. Never thought of that before. But some times the urge of wanting to confess to him is real strong sometimes.
Yesterday on the way home, sitting on the bus with him. It had been a dream I would use to day dream about but it really came true. Thank God! Sitting beside him, I feels really secure. With him around, I feel happy.
I don't know what will happen between us, but I will want to see him real soon! haha. (:

I feel happy. Or sad? I don't know. Went to a chalet just now and something happened. hehe. I'm happy that I'm with the guy I like, and that they say we are BGF. hahas. The feeling of being said was happy but I don't know about him. He did not flinched or get angry or anything. But he also was abit of don't dare to get close to me. So, I'm confused. There's eye contacts made and I'm happy that he is not totally avoiding me. I hope this could go on. Spreading me and him. hahas. but hope he doesnt mind and that maybe one day, or soon, we could really be a pair. hahas. I dont know. I'm gonna commit everything into God's Hands. hahas. [=

The best part about having this livejournal is that none of my friends knew I had this. So, that's why I could rant about lots and lots of things which I think I don't feel like telling them and also my feelings. I dont want to make my feelings obvious because I'm not an attention seeker, I hate being attended and being in the centre of everything and so I would always prefer being in the background.

Anyways, here's something to say about our friendship. Okays, starting from today onwards I will not be hanging out with them that much, not that they are bad friends, but just that I dont feel the same anymore being with them. I'm not being a spoilt brat or anything but just that, I feel so left out the way they are doing things and nowadays when they asked me out I will always feel very relunctant. I think that I would better off stay at home.

Not that I dont like my friends but just that, two years with them of course cannot beat those which they had been hanging out together like for more than 2 years. So, my understanding to them is not so deep and also, theirs to me is also not so much.

Our sort of leader is Shermeen. At the beginning I know that she is a good friend. But just that her temper is sort of a haywired stuff? She can be so happy with you now but she can be moodswinging the next moment. I'm not complaining about her temper things cause everyone had their weakness. But just that I had been asking myself lately, why till now I still dont dare to be alone with her. I finally realise the answer. I am afraid of her. Even though she is good to me but just that, there's still something invisible between us. A sort of distance. But I dont know. Maybe I will never get to break down the wall between us but maybe we can? I dont know.

Priscilia. Even though I had been friends with her for like 4 years. But maybe she is pretty or too confident. I just find that we two still had something between us too. I could not confine my secrets with her and could not share. She tells us all her secrets but in the end, there's nothing I could do. She is independant. That's for sure but just that I think she dont really need me in her life. Maybe Shermeen and Evon are enough to sustain her.

Evon. She is too mysterious to begin with. It's not bad to be mysterious but just that, sometimes her actions just make me bewild. Every girls will always be more bias to guys. That's a sure thing. Opposite attracts. But she is too more to guys. I dont know. Yes I will too. But. Just that even though we can be alone together but I dont know how to start a conversation with her and she can be different in front of me and the others. Well, maybe she knows them more. And I had never tried to talk to her cause I am afraid to say the wrong words. And when things go wrong, I know she is unhappy but she just say it's ok but deep in her heart she really minds it. We had been friend for 2 years. Yet, I dont know much about her. Maybe she said that before, she dont trust anyone.

Sharon. She is ok. My friend since Sec 1. Four years of friendship but yet, it seems quite vulnerable. I cannot catch her mood. I dont know.

Anyways, all come to all, it is me who is the problem. I am more of an introvert. I dont start a conversation with just anyone unless they are very close to me like my family members. Sometimes, like my dad say, "True friend, one is enough." But is it true? I dont know.

Ahh....

I don't know how long I can hang on. I dont know how long till I leave this group. Things change and I could no longer feel love in it. Whatever things I do, I will always question myself, will I arouse anger within the group? I am not me anymore. I could no longer do the things which I want to do anymore. And even if I want to say my troubles and everything, share a secret, I realised that I could turn to no one.
And when I do things badly and cause a crack in the friendship, even though I knew that they will forgive me but I could no longer face myself anymore. I feel guilty and somehow my day seems to be down. I will get angered easily and I will be angry towards my parents for trival things. I know it's not their fault but because of my friend problems, I am being rude to my parents.
I only joined the group like 2 years ago. As compared to anyone in the group, I am the new one. And of course if there's thing I had a crash with anyone in the group, of course you all will side her. But even though you all sided her, you all make me feel very unwanted.

Even though we all may look peaceful, united on the front but to me, yes, they are united. But just that I can still sense things are not the same as the past. I can sense that some dont like me but just puting on a front to show that she gets along well with me but still, sometimes things will have loopholes. I can see that. If I cant see that, I can still sense something is definitely wrong. Last time, I feel so secure in this group and finally, I'm settling down to this clique. But being in the clique means that you are comfortable in this group and can share your problem but however, I felt otherwise. I dont feel comfortable anymore. I had to worry about things like will they despice me and will they dont like me and will they start saying bad things behind my back after I had done stuffs that they dont like. And also, sometimes when I encounter problems, I could find no one in my clique to talk to.

I dont know is it my problem or what. Just that I could find no sense of security whenever I am with any groups. Be it with my clique or going to church with JieNi they all. I dont mind being left out but I dont want to be noticed. But sometimes, I hunger for notice in my clique but they treat me like air. Sometimes when I was talking no one care.

Oh well, lucky I have God in my life. Thank you God. I Love You!

我一直告诉自己要忘记之前不愉快事。我一直以为我忘记你了可是当我看到你的时候，心还隐隐作痛。
我知道我一直在做梦，可是如果这是一场梦，让我在里面久一点好吗?
是时候该起来的时候我会的。
梦醒时候我会时时刻刻提醒自己是时候回到现实了，别再奢求什么了。
我有很多事情说，可是就不知道该如何说出口。
 

Guess everything just sucks now. I'm sick and had to face the reality. He told me that he will not like anyone yet for the time being until the time ripe. Maybe he's saying that to let me not be so hurt. I knew that I will never stand a chance being with him. He gives me such high hope that I thought he likes me until just now. Guess I'm always the ugly duckling that no one will like. All I had being doing is just one sided like. Should not have landed myself into such messy state. I had fallen so deep, thought I could have someone to help me up the pit but that person lets go and I'm back down into the pit helpless and alone. 
But it was me who prayed to know the truth. Yes, it came true. It was my doings, so i should face the reality. Well, one conclusion, I should learn to let go before I had any assurance on anyone, anyways, i'm just an ugly duckling whom no one will like. 

Forget it. If it makes you happy, i shall not like u anymore.